i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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