Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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