So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
