i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
