I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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