that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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