My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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