so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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