She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
