if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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