So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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