Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
