I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
