So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
