So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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