Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
sarcasm needs its own font
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
