I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
