I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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