Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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