Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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