i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
being pregnant is like rehab
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
