I wish my penis had an off switch
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
