she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
whose parrot is this?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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