Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize