by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
