every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
