his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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