i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize