I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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