Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
