your thong is hanging out like whoa
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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