she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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