I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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