We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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