I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
