if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
