Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
