dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
