I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
