This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize