The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
