Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
