I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
