You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I know her cup size but not her name....
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
