Christians are straight up FREAKS
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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