how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
