you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
