Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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