This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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