my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
