do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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