peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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