I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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