dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
