I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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