jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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