I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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