He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
