apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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