sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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