we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
