She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
