I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
