That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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