I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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