I'm gonna have a badass scar
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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