I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
