yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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