Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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