i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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