i was born a porn star she said
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
